I’m a member of a Mum-to-Mum Facebook support group which lots of new and experienced Mums use to get advice and support from others. It’s a fantastic resource, particularly for anyone feeling a bit isolated by motherhood and all of its challenges.

A few weeks ago the group was asked for its top tips for new parents in those early weeks, and the responses were many and varied. I said I’d put them all together in one place so that the invaluable comments weren’t lost in Facebook history. So here goes! I really hope I’ve not missed anything out, this is a LONG post!

Emotional and physical well-being

• Know that it really DOES get easier with time. I can only speak from my own experience, but I am definitely not one of those people who loved having a newborn baby. I’ll be totally honest – I hated it. There were times when I felt like I was living a nightmare, and I wished we’d not done it. I’m only telling you that so that you have some confidence, even if you’re hating it, that it won’t always be that way. Because when people told me I didn’t believe them. I assumed they were people who just enjoyed it all more than me, or were better at it all. I looked at Mums of older babies at coffee mornings and I assumed I would never be like them – that they or their babies were somehow materially different to me and mine. Now I’m one of those Mums at coffee morning who at least looks like I’ve got it all together. But how does it get easier, I hear you ask? Well for me, my son got better at sleeping (he’s not a through-the-night sleeper by any stretch!) in the day and at night, so I wasn’t spending all my time fighting to get him to sleep or suffering him being overtired and unhappy. He got better at just being, without me needing to hold him constantly. That obviously didn’t mean I could leave him unattended, but it did mean I had a few precious minutes to go for a wee, eat a sandwich or wash a bottle. Or just breathe.
• Don’t underestimate the impact of such a huge lifestyle change, lack of sleep or hormones on your mood. I sometimes felt like I didn’t understand why I was feeling so low, and on the occasions I did manage to get some decent sleep I felt a lot better. I know that getting sleep in those early days is often out of your control, but I think just understanding why it is that you feel down can be really reassuring.
• Be kind to yourself and know you’ve done an incredible thing. You made a human. You carried that human for 9 months (ish) and you managed to get it out into the world. You may have glowed throughout your pregnancy and had a relatively easy labour; you might have hated being pregnant and had a traumatic birth. But you did it, and it’s huge (it would be huge even if you had the awful experience of not getting to the birth stage too, I must add). I often feel like because women get pregnant and give birth all the time, it’s not seen to be as big a deal as it is. But it’s SUCH an enormous achievement, so go easy on yourself. If you want to bake cupcakes on day 3 and have the neighbours ’round, do. But if you feel like hiding under a duvet for a fortnight, that’s fine too. If you want to eat only Pom Bear, that’s OK. If you can’t watch the news, fine. If you need to cry for no reason, or all the reasons, just do it. Anything and everything is fine.
• Someone used the analogy of ‘fixing your own oxygen mask before fitting someone else’s’, which I thought was absolutely right. It’s OK to go for a wee or eat a sandwich before you tend to the baby’s hunger.
• Don’t feel bad about accepting help. I got my huge post-partum knickers in a twist about not wanting help in the early weeks because I wouldn’t be able to have it forever – but you won’t need it forever, so accept it while you can and worry about the future when you get there.
• Related to that is trying as hard as you can to just take each day at a time and not think about next week, next month etc. I am the world’s worst person at doing this! I was there in the middle of the night in week 2 thinking “I can’t do this for a year, I will go mental”, and Googling bedtime routines when our son was still purple screaming every evening for 2 hours. DON’T BE ME. Your 3 month old baby will be virtually unrecognisable from the newborn you bring home, and the same is true pretty much on a weekly basis for a long time! So there’s no point in projecting forwards because you can’t know what’s to come – even if you’ve had one before, because they’re all different. But the one thing that everyone I’ve ever met has agreed is that it gets easier!
• This bullet point is very hard to write, because it’s such an emotive topic. Breastfeeding. No-one can tell you what’s right, you have to see how you feel. But if you’re struggling and you need someone to give you permission to introduce some formula, this is me giving you permission for what it’s worth! Scientifically-speaking, there’s no contest that breastfeeding is best. But it’s not just about science. It’s about you as a person and how you and those around you (whether that’s just your baby or a partner or other people) function as a support network. If persevering with breastfeeding despite difficulties is what you want and need to do and it’s safe for your baby, don’t let someone else tell you to do otherwise. If introducing formula is what you want and need to do and is best for your baby, don’t let someone else tell you otherwise. It’s OK to choose to do one or the other for a multitude of reasons.
• Don’t worry if you don’t feel overjoyed about your baby in the early days. Some people feel an overwhelming positive connection; some people feel fear and loathing towards their little sleep thief; some people feel nothing at all. All of those feelings are fine, and all are things that many people around you will have felt too. Take the #blessed brigade on Instagram with a pinch of salt! I think most people feel some sort of sense of protection towards their baby early on, but I’ve spoken to loads of Mums who’ve said that their baby was essentially a stranger when they were born and they had to get to know them before they fell in love.  I definitely felt that way, and I also don’t think I had space to love my son properly in the early days because I was so consumed with fear. Now I look forward to seeing his little face and sniffing his cheeks, I let him wipe his nose on my hair and I celebrate with him when he’s done a massive poo. You’ll get there, but not everyone gets there at the same pace.

Practical things

• Before the baby arrives, try to fill your freezer with food you can eat when they baby arrives. When that’s running out, ask other people to bring meals! My mother-in-law has never made as many lasagnes in her life as she has in the last 8 months.
• When it’s hot don’t be afraid to offer your baby a bit of cooled boiled water in between feeds to help with thirst.
• Lots and lots of people swear by using a sling, particularly with a baby who is reluctant to sleep or be put down.
• Use a baby tracker to track when you’ve fed/changed your baby and when they sleep. You don’t have to do this, but lots of people find it helps. We used it in the early days and it was hugely helpful for reminding us when our son had last eaten or slept because it often feels like 5 minutes and it’s actually been 2 hours! We only tracked nappies when there was an issue we were trying to investigate, but obviously you can use a tracker in whatever way suits you best.
• This is NOT a sponsored blog, but the Tommee Tippee Perfect Prep machine is a hero if you’re bottle-feeding – it dishes out the right amount of water at the right temperature for a bottle, saving you the stress of waiting for boiled water to cool. Waiting for water to cool may seem like it’s not a big deal but when you’ve got a screaming baby going purple at 3am, it really is.
• If you can, do ‘shifts’ in the night to allow both you and your partner to get some sleep. I found that sometimes we could do this, and other times during bad nights we needed to both do things together for some moral support – and that’s fine too. If you can’t do shifts because you’re breastfeeding, see if someone can come in the day to give you a chance for a nap, because it’s not always possible to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’! Also if you’re breastfeeding you can do the actual feeding, but your partner can do nappy changes/rocking to sleep/burping etc. – so you CAN share things even if your baby is exclusively breast fed. Whether or not you feel that you need to take all the night shifts because your partner is working is entirely up to you – it’s not for anyone else to tell you what to do. I personally felt that looking after our son in the day was far harder work than being at work, so my partner and I agreed to share the nights until that stopped being the case. We’re 8 months in now and I think we both agree that it’s still more exhausting doing Mumming than going to work! I appreciate that depends on the type of work/commute/working hours etc. etc., so obviously everyone is different – but it’s OK to share things because being ‘off work’ doesn’t equate to ‘doing nothing’ in the same way it might have done pre-baby!
• That said, if you can manage to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’, do. I couldn’t sleep in those early weeks because I was a buzzing ball of angst, and if you’re the same then just sitting and resting is better than nothing. If you can, try not to prioritise housework and jobs etc. at the expense of your rest. I found that one hard because I’m a neat-freak and a messy house actually made me feel miserable, but if you’re doing it because you feel like you ‘should’ rather than because it makes you feel better, don’t. Other people can wash up, no-one can rest for you.
• This fits under the well-being bracket too really – try to get out of the house. Yes, it’s really hard work. Packing the change bag, lifting the insanely heavy car seat, driving, walking… it’s all a challenge. But it IS generally easier if you can get out and see people, even if you don’t actually say a word because you’re manically rocking a screaming baby. Nothing is more isolating than being at home day after day on your own. And from my experience and what others tell me, most babies are better behaved when they’re out and about!
• Exercise. I know, I can hear you groaning. I don’t mean you need to don your sports bra with your compression socks and be doing HIIT workouts the day you come out of hospital. I mean a bit of gentle walking if you can (and more if you want of course). The fresh air can be nourishing, the exercise is good and usually the baby sleeps!
• White noise. It’s a conspiracy, because it seems that almost everyone uses it but no-one tells you! Well I’m telling you. We discovered it when my son was purple screaming and my MIL decided it was time to hoover. He stopped crying immediately, it was actual magic. We tried it again a few days later and it had the same effect, so we downloaded an app which plays hoover noise. He still has it on all night now! I am typing this accompanied by the dulcet tones of the vacuum cleaner now, because he’s having a nap. Doesn’t work for all and there are a load of different sounds to try – womb noise, shhing, water. But hey, it’s worth a shot right? Also if you get an app, it’s worth paying to get the version which means you can play it for as long as you want – the free one we had was a maximum of 30 minutes and there were many occasions of a slow-mo lunge across the lounge to start it again when it started to fade.
• STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE. This is SO hard and I was the queen of 3am Googling, and I can’t deny that some of that led to us getting a diagnosis for my son’s issues earlier than we might have otherwise done. BUT I also can’t deny that it led to lack of sleep, major anxiety and total over-thinking. So I think moderation is key, and if you can, get someone else to do it with you so you’re not feeling like you’re absorbing all this possibly-useless information alone. It’ll hopefully help you to keep it in perspective and share the load of all the ‘knowledge’, because feeling like you’re the only one who’s got the definitive diagnosis/ideal plan for sleeping training/answer to everything can be a huge burden.
• Lots of people recommend audio books for walking with the pram, it’s not something I ever thought of and I wish I had! I think books help you to escape more than TV does, and a bit of escape can be really good if you’re feeling overwhelmed. It also means you’re less likely to be watching the baby willing him or her to go to sleep – and a watched baby never sleeps!

Random things

• Don’t feel like you have to ‘entertain’ your baby all the time – go easy on yourself. Yes, it’s lovely to play with them and yes, they’ll love it. But they quite often find your hand or a bit of fluff sufficiently exciting to occupy them for a bit – my son’s favourite thing is my mascara. It’s OK to parent with the help of CBeebies if you want to – give yourself a break. If you don’t want to do that, that’s fine too – are you getting the running theme here?! There are often no ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’, just a load of options you can choose between, all of which will be fine.

 

The over-arching themes of advice that pretty much everyone gave were to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself; to get help wherever you can and not feel guilty about it to make sure you look after yourself as well as the baby, because you matter too. I hope this has been helpful for people and thanks to all of the Mums who contributed to the Facebook post this summarises – I hope I’ve done you justice!

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